The Christmas tree has been decorated, the house is outlined in colorful lights, the stockings are hung by the chimney with care, but there is one stocking that has been put aside because of a death in the family. The inevitable question grieving people ask this time of year is, “How will I ever get through the holidays?”
Whether it is the first or second holiday season they face after the death of a loved one, the added strains can create increased pressure for people already experiencing the intense feelings of grief.
How do you “get through” the holidays? There is no single answer.
“There is no easy way but I have such a great family that have given me such love and support and my faith which have gotten me through. Think of him often and never forget what a great human being we were blessed with,” said Earlene Wiest-Reser.”
The death of a child is very difficult for any parent. Christmas brings memories of happier times.
“My grief for my son Micah remains on my mind every day. He died on my birthday over 20 years ago. So, I have missed him and remembered him longer than I knew him,” said Sam Davisson. “His death changed my life, and my artistic vision. Creating blown glass was never again as interesting, or fulfilling to me. Having Micah die on my birthday makes growing older more painful, getting older is hard enough but knowing I am getting older each year on Oct 5, and Micah is not with me any longer is way worse. Celebrating a holiday, or your birthday, remembering the loss of a loved one, makes the memory so vivid, and heart breaking. How can a person celebrate the holiday/ birthday the same ever again. As a survivor we remember our time with them, truly making our holidays bittersweet. A song I listen to on my birthday and the lyrics were read at Micah’s funeral ‘The Dance’ by Garth Brooks, help remind me that I would not have missed knowing Micah for 19 years, but I have missed him for 21 years, remembering him every day but vividly on my holiday/ birthday. I do not think I have used the word grief, but I am very happy to have known Micah.”
Grieving a loved one during the holidays can be especially challenging, partly because the person's absence forever changes longstanding rituals.
“Everyone deals with grief in different ways,” said Cathy Palmer. “Some don't want to talk about it because the reminder makes them sad. Others want to keep their loved one's memory alive because they don't want to forget them. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. My kids try to keep me busy so I won't feel lonely. My children and grandchildren have given me a happiness to keep me going. Sometimes I feel guilty when we do things together because I think about how much Will would have enjoyed it. Or even more guilty when we do things that we couldn't have done if Will were here because he didn't enjoy it. I know he wouldn't want me to feel that way. The ‘Year of Firsts’ was so hard going thru special occasions without him but the second time hasn't been much easier. I know time will ease the pain but we will always miss him. Our situation is different from others because we watched him suffer for almost 3 years so we have a peace in knowing that he is no longer in a wheelchair but is walking on streets of gold. I don't know how people deal with the loss of a loved one when they don't have the comfort that only God can give.”
While loss due to a loved one’s death is typically the most acute experience of grief, the loss of primary relationships can be especially painful during holidays. In life, rituals provide a sense of direction, stability, and an anchor for us as we move through the year.
“Surrounding yourself with family Praising God for his help and remembering all the good times with our spouse or love ones that passed but remembering that they are free from pain and are in the loving arms of the Lord. God helps me every day with the passing of my husband and gives me strength throughout the day,” said Debbie Smith. “I try to help other people with a loss of a love one and try to help them during grief by being there for them just to talk or doing something with them. Everyone goes through grief differently and we need to help if we can. Sometimes a hug is all they need and by keeping busy with something like sewing painting or helping other people. I hope this will help you, the pain never goes away but knowing I will be in heaven with him and being with him helps. God helps me daily.”
“Grief is like the ocean - it rolls in and out and with the holidays, it sometimes feels like it is washing over us. We feel what we feel, but we don’t park ourselves there,” said Dusty Mills. “The memories become bittersweet until that blessed time when they’re just sweet. I allow the grief, and I feel my feels, but then I get up and carry on. The best way we can honor our loved ones is to live the life we’re given each day. They wouldn’t want us to wallow in grief and despair. I rely on the comfort that only Jesus can give. I’m sad for us because we miss them but I’m joyful that they’re no longer unwell and they’re in the presence of the Lord. I can’t be sad about that.”
According to Psychology Today, it can be helpful to participate in holiday rituals in memory of someone you’ve lost, especially if it relates directly to his or her interests.
-Light candles.
-Talk, write about, or post on social media about the person.
-Donate children’s toys or books.
-Dedicate a prayer or religious service to the loved one’s memory, such as a Catholic Mass or Jewish kaddish.
-Plant a tree in memory of the deceased, in your own yard or in a forest (through a group like the Arbor Day Foundation).
-Make a card or write a holiday letter with the person’s picture.
-Place the deceased’s photo or a significant item of his on your Christmas tree or among holiday decorations.
